Today, I felt weak.

We have our highs, and we have our lows... yesterday's practice was my low. School is catching most of my attention this week and my responsibilities are very demanding. They pull me from all angles when all I want to do is lie on my mat or hide in the gym for a few hours. This is that one time a year, or few if you are like me, where everything falls apart. You suddenly become less  organized, your notes are suddenly scribbled, your room is a mess. Rather than doing assignments the week before, you find yourself finishing them the hour before class starts. My drive at both at my jobs seems minimal, and I find it very hard to work at a faster tempo and manage to keep a smile on my face, even in a relaxing setting like the maternity wing I work in at the hospital.

Even though my efforts have been minimal, I still end up at the gym every day, and I end up at yoga every Wednesday. This is something I convince myself to do, because otherwise I will be upset with myself. Yesterday's practice seemed like a low point for me. I haven't eaten much this week... I've been so busy. I have not been taking care of myself in the way that I strive to every other day of the year.

Yesterday's practice was very calming, we stayed close to our mats and focused on balance. It was not a physically demanding class, yet I felt pain in my shoulder from a nerve I could tell was not properly placed during my posture. That dull pain is not the same pain as you would experience from lifting weights, or even being punched in the arm. The pain is absolutely internal until the nerve reaches an area where it is no longer hurting. I stopped, would wait for the pain to quit, and try again. I had problems finding my breath and my ribs felt extremely tight.

Stress has my body feeling very worn down lately. But there is a happiness and a sanctification knowing I made it to my mat this week, and although after I had a horrible workout- I still had one.

Yoga Defined Through Practice

I learned a lot of things between my last two yoga classes. Yesterday was a fantastic class for me. I was not anymore flexible or stronger than I was my last class. Physically, I had not made much progress. Mentally, I let go. Mentally, I focused on my breath and allowed my body to become free. I let my head tilt back a little farther and breathed a little deeper in my postures, and that allowed me to really think of my alignment and place my body in the proper positions to benefit my body without causing it harm.

My teacher was making me bend in ways that was painful, but we were laughing. She was showing me the proper ways to bend my back without injuries. We were all having a great practice even though we could hear the hale pelting the windows around us.

I think this was the first class where I truly learned about yoga. Not the physical practice, but what it meant to me. It was the first time I looked behind me and focused for balance rather than looking forward and staying comfortable.

My yoga teacher teaches me that yoga is more than some pretty bend or inversion that looks good on social media. That its not about just making myself stronger. I am beginning to find myself in this practice. I am beginning to trust my body and breathe when the situations a little tough. I've been using that practice in more with just yoga- in my rock climbing, stresses in school, work.

Yoga benefits more than just yoga.

Sivananda as pop culture practice

With all respect to the practice, Sivananda resembles the popular yoga culture we are currently seeing. By now, we all know that the origins of yoga were not those that included postures, or physical practice. Yoga was used as a sacrifice to God only to be used by the chosen yogis. Yoga was a ritual that consumed the entire life of a yogi and those who chose to follow him.

Sivananda is another form of postural yoga practiced primarily in the west. One thing that Jen mentioned is what really made me think that this is what people are practicing when they think of yoga. She said, "Sivananda does not focus on the alignment, or the shape of your back in the pose". Throughout my practice I've learned that improper posture can cause a lot of physical pain and will allow you to benefit from the practice.

When Jen said this to me. I immediately looked at my professor. All I know is flattening my back. Stretching the proper way. My professor said Sivananda was her original practice. I'm curious as to why she stopped.

I know that I felt powerful in some of the inversions, but every time, whether I was told to or not, I was focusing on my alignment, on how my back felt against my hips, how my toes felt against the ground. I was focused on making sure my shoulders were in between my ribs.

I have a great teacher.

While alignment is not focused in many physical fitness regimes, it is not surprising that pop cultural yoga also may not focus on proper structures also. Rather, we see how we can bend and hold our bodies and push ourselves to a limit. We see if we can be better than who we were the day before. Most of us.
Others just really like how they look in yoga pants.

Yoga as a healing practice

Yoga instructors of different types all claim that each of their postures, done in the right temperature, in the right position, will treat a certain ailment or help with a certain organ's blood circulation. I have not experienced this yet as I am still in the process of fixing my postures so my muscles aren't sore after.

While most people know that yoga can be good for the body, many don't know that without proper focus or concentration you can get really hurt. This post is an anti-health benefit post.

My last yoga experience taught me that practice must be gone into with a clear head, or it could be very detrimental.

Wednesday morning I walked into practice like I do every week. I was so excited because this was supposed to be the beginning of my workout for the day. I look forward to yoga. Until my phone rang. I received information regarding personal family information. I decided "It's fine; I'll deal with this after practice."

That wasn't the case. I am used to being adjusted during practices. I know I am a beginner and I know there is a lot I have to learn. Yet, somehow, every time I was adjusted I pushed so hard into my shoulders or other wrong angles of my body to the point where I was in physical pain. Downward dog didn't hurt because I was stretching, it hurt because I wasn't focused. Every time I sat in a position for a little bit, my mind was racing.. it was actually racing the entire practice. I was so frustrated with myself and in so much pain from not concentrating on my body that I walked out earlier than I had intended.

It is two days later and my shoulders are still in pain. Yoga should never do that to you. But it wasn't the practice that did that to me, it was me that did that to me. I allowed one moment in my life to effect all other moments after, and even though the problem is resolved now, I still feel the effects in my shoulders to this day.

Your mind and body are connected. If your mind is not in a healthy state, your body will follow and vice versa.

I was so upset leaving the practice because I felt as though I failed myself. My physical health is extremely important to me, and I love yoga because it is something that everyone can do, but can only do with consistent dedication and practice. Again... mind follows body, body follows mind.

Ashtanga Yoga Had Me Falling On My Ashtanga.

Sorry for my horrible humor, but that was the first thing that came to my mind when my practice was over and it stuck for a few hours before writing this post.

Ashtanga yoga was really cool. I don't know how to say that professionally about a physical practice. Ashtanga yoga was an empowering act of physically demanding poses that required a lot of focus and understanding and overcoming your own body was a true experience? I guess that was more professional. But it's not a lie. I enjoyed this practice more than any of the others I have seen in my entire one and a half month yoga career. (If any true yogis see this one day please know that that comment is satire.)

Something about ashtanga stood out to me. The idea of series and advancement really caught my attention. That there are specific positions you do everyday at the request of your guru, and only when you are truly ready to move on you will. There is a structure and ritual to ashtanga, much like every other yoga type. There are repeating postures, each time flowing a little more perfectly than the next. You must continue to repeat these postures until your body, mind, breathing, and energy are in a perfect sync. Our instructor said that some people will be on sequence 1 their entire life. BUT IT'S A GOAL. It is a true goal with true rewards and true challenges.

The only thing I didn't like was the rolling of my back in order to touch my toes. In my recent posts, I have made comments that I truly believe my lumbar vertebrae are all fused together because my lower back is that inflexible. My usual instructor instructed me why this happens and how to fix it. Great! I was so excited to use this advice during my practice today. But rather than strengthening my core, bending from my hips, and slightly bending my legs so I could get the perfect forward fold where it mattered (in my 2 inch long spinal cord),  I was told to straighten my feet and only go as far as I can. That's exactly what I was doing before! That was what I was doing wrong! This was a little discouraging as I tried to sit each pose to work with my body while still following Laurie's instruction.

I had fun, though, don't get me wrong. Ashtanga is a beautiful practice with beautiful minds and beautiful determination. I definitely would like to learn more about this practice moving forward.

P.S. I tried doing a REAL headstand when I came home... didn't happen.

Is It Considered A Ritual If I Suck At It?

Based on the article by Nevrin, How might your practice be analyzed as a "ritual"? How does this ritual function to change the nature, impact or intensity of your practice experience? 

This week we're talking about ritual, not the ritual space but the actual ritual. What happens when I step on the mat.

When I practice at Yoga Nine, we start and end with Savasana, which (to me) involves laying down and gaining control of my breath. This is something that beings and ends every practice I begin. Sometimes before I go to yoga, I am not mentally prepared. Sometimes, I'd rather curl underneath my blanket and sleep in... but I go. This few minutes of relaxation allows myself to get out of my head and focus into the rest of my body. This prepares me for my practice

It is also important to notice that the first 2 or 3 poses are done in repetition. This is done to open that specific body region that will be focused on during the practice.

We then do a series. We repeat some poses in a sequence around 3 times. The first time the pose is extremely hard and I am usually in pain. I adjust.. or am adjusted accordingly. The second time, I notice my mistakes and work on them in the posture. By the third rotation, I get a huge grin on my face when my instructor yells "Yes! That's it!".  This pose repetition makes me work harder each time. I'm new at yoga, and sometimes I don't know the exact directions that are being yelled out in front of the class. I look to other people for guidance. By the end of the third rotation through posters I remember what I am supposed to do and how my body is.

I guess what you can conclude from my rambling is this: my ritual is repetition. Sometimes my ritual makes me feel weak because I know I cannot do a full downwards dog or I am the only person in the room who takes a sip of water. But my ritual is mine. My ritual makes me stronger. Everyone's practice is different because we all facing our practice in different bodies.

I sweat during my practice. A sign that my body is working too hard. Perhaps my body needs to work harder now in order to work more efficiently later.

Iyengar Yoga

Iyengar Yoga focuses on the alignment of the body during postures and the control of the breath.
Where Bikram yoga felt more as pushing your body to breathe through awkward positions and twist to "circulate blood through special organs", Iyengar really focused on where my back and my upper body were throughout each posture.

I truly tried to focus on my breathing, but breathing, posture, sides, hips, breathing again.. My mind goes everywhere when its supposed to be focused.

Iyengar seemed "normal" to me. It was a lot of stretching, sitting, lunging...
I didn't feel much pain after this class, perhaps its because I'm getting better? Or maybe it was because my torso is the size of a 5'0 woman and my legs are the size of a 5'7 woman and I can't reach my toes.

I found my breath here much easier than I did with Bikram yoga, but with Bikram yoga I received a sense of accomplishment... and then a sore lower back the next day.

It was relieving though at the same time. These past two weeks have held a lot of challenges for me. Between school and my personal life, this was two hours of peace and focus to clear my head and focus on my body for a moment in time, even if it was brief.